I’m a Libra, but my family is full of spring babies. Even our dog, Friday, was born in April. So now that the daffodils are popping in Portland, birthdays are on my brain and I wanted to share a few thoughts about celebrating.
This week I’m writing specifically about gift giving which is, of course, only aspect of celebrating birthdays. To preview: I’ll share a gift giving structure that we use in our household, then some somewhat grouchy thoughts about gifts at parties, and, finally, I’ll conclude with a list of ideas about managing grandparent gifts because it’s a question I’m asked pretty frequently.
The "Five Gift” structure
Drew and I loosely follow the following “five gift” giving structure that I heard about once on the radio back when we lived in California. We’re not strict about it and we haven’t ever explicitly described its confines to our children, but I like that the framework increases my intentionality, decreases the number of gifts we might otherwise purchase, and generally makes the process more meaningful to me (and hopefully my children). The framework also provides a more nuanced way for Drew and I to talk about the types of gifts we want to acquire. I’m a person who romanticizes the orange in the stocking concept— namely, when there is less, you appreciate it more. But, one cool thing about being a parent is that you get to decide which traditions to keep, create, or toss. What works for us might not work for you.
1. Something your child actually wants
Perhaps this category is obvious, but I think it’s worth truly considering what your child actually wants and will immediately enjoy. So often gifts are given for use down the line, but this category helps put a pin in current, individually expressed interests and abilities. I personally think it’s worth highlighting this category because it invites parents to turn away from age-based (or, oof, gender-based) gift guides in favor of turning towards their unique child.
One time my son gave his friend a box of curly noodles for his fourth birthday. I thought it was brilliant and so did the buddy who immediately wanted to boil and eat them. Gifting someone a gift that they will actually, immediately enjoy involves knowing about the recipient, observing their play, and, sometimes, being willing to shirk conventional norms.
2. Something you want to give your child
This category acknowledges that children aren’t able to ask for things they don’t know about and that one of the many fun aspects of being a parent is exposing children to new materials and toys to interact with. This category acknowledges that gift giving is also about the giver — we influence our children in so many ways, including the environments we create for them.
Sometimes ideas come to us from our own childhood or what we see other children using, but if you’re looking for gift ideas, I’ve got gift ideas. I know I’m quick to criticize age-based gift guides (as I did above) in favor of turning toward your child and their unique interests and developmental timeline and I think it can be helpful to get ideas from people who have been “in the field” and know a thing or two about child development. Here are some present combos that I compiled for first birthdays and you may have read about second and third birthday gift ideas in last week’s post.
3. Something they need
My daughter’s third birthday is next week and one of her gifts will be a new toothbrush and watermelon toothpaste to go with it. Young children are often enamored of inclusion in practical life. Your in-law might balk at a gift of a mini vacuum or dustpan + broom set, but children typically enjoy helping around the house and participating in self-care routines, especially when they are in control. I see tools that facilitate access fitting into this category: step stools, learning towers, potties, coat hooks, clothes they can put on and take off independently, etc.
4. An experience
For my daughter’s first birthday, we brought a bunch of pillows and blankets into the living room and made a “lounge pit” with a bunch of balls in a cozy nest type creation. She loved it! It was a novel, no-cost experience that I considered a gift.
For us, this “experience” category has varied — sometimes we’ll go to their favorite park at some point during their birthday week, but try to imbue the experience with intention: putting down our phones and following our child’s lead. Sometimes we’ll take a special trip to the Zoo or OMSI or the Arboretum or ice cream. It depends on what they’re into, the weather, our bandwidth.
5. Something to read
We have too many books in our house and I’m okay with that. I love reading to myself and I love reading to my children. Each birthday, I check in to consider my child’s current level of comprehension, what their interests are, and what title might fit just right. I’ve written book roundups before and will do it again. Books!
I applaud anyone who makes intentional, value-driven choices for their family, knowing there's no "one right way." This little jingle is similar to the framework described above and perhaps easier to remember:
“Something to wear, something to read, something they want, something they need”
Party gifts
So far we’ve requested “no gifts” at all of the parties we’ve thrown for our children. Call me grouchy, but I bristle at the idea of someone going to a toy shop and buying something for $20 just because they were invited to a party and feel like they need to arrive with an entrance ticket of sorts. It may just be our Portland bubble, but the “no gift” policy seems relatively common and I love the release from the obligatory gift.
If someone (an adult or a child) has a specific gift they want to give, I totally think it’s a-okay to “break the rule.” It’s not the personalized, intentional gift that I’m against, it’s the social contract to buy something and the sheer quantity of loot that can be accumulated when everyone is expected to show up with a box or bag.
Grandparent gifts
If your child is lucky enough to have grandparents in their life who want to give them presents, please start by appreciating that. I don’t mean to be preachy, but I have so many friends and clients who have lost their parents relatively recently. Sometimes we need a nudge to pause and acknowledge the relative privilege of being able to be annoyed by “grandparent gifts.”
Still, I’m including this section because it’s actually an FAQ in my line of work: how do you communicate your wishes around gifts to grandparents? What if the grandparents buy us stuff we don’t want? etc.
Outside of trying to harness some peace, knowing you will be your child’s biggest influence and nonjudgmental grace, knowing that grandparents have wisdom and valid opinions, too, here are some strategies. All of this depends on you, the grandparents involved, and each of your relative needs, wants, and communication styles.
Communicate your wishes and whys — if you don’t want your baby to have access to battery-operated toys, explain why, ideally beforehand. This will likely be a good opportunity to articulate your own conviction. Plus, we can’t always expect people to intuit what will piss us off if we never openly talk about it.
Curate an ongoing registry — I’ve heard of folks leaving their baby registry open but updating it to include current sizes and new needs/ wants. This wish list option can be helpful for some families because it enables the grandparent to '“go shopping” within limits.
Set parameters — for example: only books, nothing new, natural materials, or a category from the “Five Gift” framework above are all examples of confines that can (hopefully) feel freeing for both parties. Some people prefer a list of exactly what to buy, but often part of the fun is the shopping. I realized this when I had my own mom take a “love languages” quiz. I thought for sure she’d type as a “gift giver” but it turned out she preferred to show love through “quality time” which helped me realize that, for her, the shopping itself was a way for her to connect to her grandchildren by thinking about them for extended periods of time, especially since she lives far away.
Crowd-fund — if you’re feeling overwhelmed by the accumulation of stuff, consider asking for the grandparents/gift givers in your life to help crowd-fund a big-ticket item. We did this one year for the climbing dome in our backyard and it’s actually been sweet to hear how our child reflects on it as a present from all of his grandparents. A bike, a learning tower, or a membership might fall into this category.
Ask for a subscription or membership — one set of grandparents gifted our children the Highlights magazine subscription (I endorse these, btw). Each month, our kids get mail (which they love) and we think of Pops and Meemaw (hi Ed and Nancy!). My mom has bought us zoo and OMSI memberships before and I try to make it my business to take (and send) pictures when we go.
View gifts as opportunities for grandparents to learn about their grandchildren — when grandparents live far away, they will likely need some help knowing what would be well-received. Talking to grandparents about your children’s current interests and abilities will help give them relevant gift ideas and may prevent some dated gender stereotypes.
Harness some peace and remain open to surprises — this one is worth repeating. I’m very aware that it can feel petty to be nitpicky about the items that come into our homes, but I also know that early parenting is a time of fine-tuning values and intentions so of course it matters. Some of the best gifts my children have received have been from their grandparents and I’m so grateful to have adults in my kids’ life who love them and influence them in various ways.
So those are some of my thoughts around intentional gift giving. I always love learning what other families do and I try to remain open to shifting and adapting our own practices as we go, grow, and learn. As with all of my advice, I offer it for your consideration — take what you want, leave what you don’t, and, either way, come away more confident having considered (then accepted or rejected) a new(ish) perspective.