On Welcoming a New Sibling

Without over-bigging the first one

My kids are getting a new cousin this fall! This baby will be a younger sibling, which has me reflecting on all the things we did—or wish we did—to prepare our oldest for that wild shift.

Be careful not to overly big the small human already in your life

The pull toward “Big Sib” tees is strong. And sure, they’re cute. But often, those shirts come bundled with a pile of abrupt expectations. Suddenly, this not-so-big child is being told they need to give up diapers, abandon pacifiers, move into a big kid bed, and generally be more mature because a baby is coming. It’s as if we start treating them like they’ve aged multiple years overnight. But here’s the thing: they haven’t. They are still so little. I’m all about supporting a child’s functional autonomy, but those shifts should happen for the sake of the child herself, not because there’s a top-down countdown.

This might also be a good time to familiarize yourself with the concept of The Expectation Gap — the idea that parents assume young children have more capacity for self-regulation than they actually do.

Make the hypothetical tangible

Invite the older child to be part of the physical prep. Build the crib together. Let them help paint the nursery. Curation of space makes the mysterious idea of a new sibling more real—and less scary.

Invite your older child to imagine the baby’s day

I think one of the most impactful things we did was invite our toddler to imagine the future with us: “Where will the baby be while we’re eating dinner?” Our two year old supposed she’d sit in the high chair. This assumption opened the door to a conversation about babies’ development and how babies need to lie on their backs for a long time before they can sit up safely. He thought for a second and said I could just hold her then. That idea, coming from him, made space for the truth: I would be holding her a lot. Spoiler: we ended up putting a Dock-a-Tot on the dinner table —so she could smell the smells, hear the chatter, and kick around while we all ate. And, let’s be honest, so we could eat with two hands.

Say “different”

It’s one of my favorite words when helping kids prepare for change. “It will feel different when the baby is here at mealtime.” “It will feel different when I need to rest more.” “Different” tells the truth without making it scary or value-laden.

Read Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is a sibling or is raising siblings. I learned so much from it. Plus, “deep” reading a full-on, physical book also gives you time and space to grapple with important ideas. It’s not just that the information is good (my favorite tip is one called, “equal is less'“) it’s that you spend a lot of time thinking — how do I feel about this information? What is my own relationship with my brother like? What values do I want to bring to my kids’ relationship with one another”? The act of reading is the act of thinking, preparing, becoming more comfortable and confident.

Look at pictures together from when the older sibling was little

Talking through personal pictures is another great way for the child to see what newborn life is really like — don’t shy away from any you have of yourself.

Prepare for the baby to be held and observed by the sibling

The “Topponcino” is a Montessori-inspired cushion designed to provide predictability and therefore security for the infant. The idea is that parents sleep with the cushion while pregnant so that it absorbs the scent and comfort of the baby’s primary caregiver(s). Then, when an older sibling wants to hold or sit beside the baby, the infant can be transferred on the cushion. It provides support, softness, and stability for the baby—and a little confidence boost for the sibling. It’s also great for floor play and offers a gentle way to move the baby from arms to ground because it will still be warm and smell like “home.” Grandparents love it, too. Also, don’t forget to allow for some sibling skin-to-skin time once baby arrives — explain why it matters (and take one million sweet photos while it’s happening).

Answer questions honestly

I love Cori Silverberg’s book, “What Makes a Baby” and feel so grateful to have had it as a teaching and talking tool while expecting my second child. My older kid was able to explain about the birds and the bees using terms like “sperm” and “uterus” and for that I am proud. This book is developmentally appropriate and inclusive of different family structures.

Help your older child become a developmentalist

One of the most beautiful things about respectful parenting is inviting your child to become a student of development alongside you. I told my son about how babies are drawn to high-contrast image, then he started flipping through books to find pages with black and white patterns to show his sister. Older siblings are often poop-curious, so diaper changes can be a nice way to incorporate them into care (getting a fresh diaper, throwing the used diaper away, etc.) so long as you aren’t shaming the baby for normal bodily functions. That kind of shared learning builds empathy and curiosity —and helps create a relationship grounded in real understanding.

Speak respectfully about the baby—yes, even in utero

I’ve long studied and practiced RIE, but it wasn’t until my second child arrived that I truly grasped the power of speaking to the baby as a whole person. Watching my older child address his baby sister with genuine respect was one of the most moving things I’ve witnessed. It reminded me: if we treat even the most vulnerable among us as worthy of dignity, we model a relationship built on mutual respect. If we’re constantly groaning about the baby making us tired, or dramatically recoiling at poop in diapers, what subtle messages are we sending?

And if you know the baby’s name? Use it. It’s not everyone’s preference, but for us, using the baby’s name allowed our older child to begin bonding in a real, practical way. We explained that the baby could hear him, and that the more he talked to her, the more familiar his voice would become. He was all in.

So yes, welcoming a new sibling is a big shift. There may be regressions, meltdowns, clinginess, and conflict. But there is also something sacred here: a chance to build a family culture rooted in connection, honesty, and mutual respect. Let’s make space for that.

If you’re looking for more content on siblings, check out this post:

*The book links in my articles are often to Bookshop.org — a cool website that helps independent bookstores and the content creators (like me) that recommend books.