Toddlers and Balls: An Essay that Celebrates Balls and Challenges Traditional Ideas about "Sharing"
Toddlers and Balls: An Essay that Celebrates Balls and Challenges Traditional Ideas about "Sharing"
Part II of my short series on balls
This piece is a follow-up to Milestones and Balls — an in-depth guide that pairs specific balls with the cognitive milestones outlined by the CDC. Here, I’ll use balls to shed some light on the skills developed through solo and interactive toddler play. Read on for the section about why I don’t force sharing and what I do instead.
Balls as Social Pollinators
In my play groups in Portland, Oregon, there are usually some children who prefer to stay pretty close to home — choosing to observe the goings on of the room and/or interact with objects near the security of their parent’s lap. There are also usually some children who like to roam the room and bring play objects from one area to another. These children, like pollinators, bring energy and interaction to different parts of the room. Balls can be pollinators, too. Inevitably, a ball being played with by one child rolls closer to another child, and an interaction ensues. This happens at the park and it happens in play group and it’s one of the main reasons I think balls are great at initiating impromptu social interactions not guided by roll-the-ball-back type rules. Balls can inspire more stationary toddlers to engage either when a ball rolls into their space or when a ball rolls away from them and they are prompted to seek after it.
If you’re hosting an infant or toddler play date, consider adding some balls to the mix. As for specifics, I have several “grocery store balls” in my play studio which make great indoor balls because they are soft, lightweight, and generally less likely to injure or damage.
Balls to Promote Motor Skills and Spatial Awareness
I intentionally wrote Milestones and Balls about balls’ promotion of cognitive rather than motor milestones because the functionality of a ball in promoting motor skills seems, well, obvious. However, the more I do this play advocacy work, the more I realize it’s worth stating the benefits of play in plain, straightforward language — so here are some specific ways in which balls aid motor development:
Gross Motor Skills (bigger body movements): Toddlers are motivated to roll, throw, kick, chase, sit on, and even just hold balls. Balls (or cylinders) that roll, but not too far, are great motivators for crawling babies to inch forward. As they get older, children can practice balance (standing on one foot to kick, for example) and coordination (how to run toward a ball without tripping over objects or bashing into people). Hitting a ball with another object (a club, a racket, a plastic bowling ball pin that a toddler turns into a “bat”) is a more complicated skills that toddlers naturally progress toward when objects are available and permission is not denied.
Hand-Eye Coordination: Catching, throwing, and tracking the movement of a ball develops hand-eye coordination, a crucial skill for future activities like writing, eating with utensils, and playing sports.
Fine Motor Development: Manipulating smaller balls with their fingers—grasping, holding, and releasing—helps strengthen toddlers' fine motor skills and dexterity. As does plunking balls into baskets and progressively smaller openings (jugs, bottles) or threading larger spherical beads onto a string.
Spatial Awareness: Moving a ball around helps toddlers understand concepts like distance, direction, and space, which are important for their overall spatial awareness, movement confidence, and understanding of physics.
Outdoor Play: Bringing a ball to a field or a court is a great alternative to a playground and, generally, getting outside more often is a good thing, especially for growing, learning bodies. Remember the ball game doesn’t need adult-directed rules, especially in infancy and toddlerhood.
Photo by Limor Zellermayer on Unsplash
Balls to Challenge Parents’ Notion of “Sharing”
I could have chosen any object to illustrate this next point, but because of the kinetic nature of balls, they often spur some interactive heat when two children want to use the same ball at the same time. Here are some real life situations to help thicken the plot on the whole “sharing” thing.
First Scenario: Child A is in the middle of using multiple balls when Child B approaches and wants to use one or more. Here we assume an adult is available to proactively intervene.
Picture this: a newly walking child (Child A) is trying to carry two big balls at the same time. She spent a long time trying (and failing) and trying again to figure out how to hold them both in her arms. They kept falling down, but she diligently picked them back up again, finally figuring out how to hold them both at the same time. When she eventually accomplishes the task, she stands up to walk toward her mom. Next, she’s intercepted by a second child (Child B) who now sees and suddenly wants to hold a ball — as Magda Gerber says, the object in motion is always more desirable.
One might think: “ah, two balls, two kids — there’s an easy, equal fix here — make the first child ‘share’ a ball so that they each have one ball.” But, if you spent time observing Child A — if you knew how hard she worked, that she had a seemingly clear plan to bring those balls to her mom, and, especially, that she was communicating (through words or body language) that she wasn’t finished with her project — might you choose to allow Child A to continue using both balls?
Instead of forcing “sharing” in my observation-based play groups, I usually choose to talk in terms of taking turns. In this situation I might say, “ah — you both want to use the balls. Child A is holding them right now, so they aren’t available.” Importantly, while saying this, I’d be close, able to physically intercept as needed. If Child B tried to grab a ball, I would probably stop them, calmly placing a hand to block while saying, “you’re trying to grab the ball; I’m not going to let you” and, if they weren’t riled up and able to hear some more explanation, I’d add, “I see that Child A is still using both of these balls — she’s holding them in her arms.”
I’d invite the Child B into noticing what Child A was doing, “Child A worked very hard to pick these balls up, now it looks like she’s walking toward her mom, shall we watch to see what she does?” I might also redirect toward other balls, if they are present. I do this not to immediately put out the fire, but to help Child B build important social skills: “If you want to play with a ball, there are some available over here. See, these balls are on the ground, that means they are available.” This approach allows Child B to learn patience and respect for another’s project while Child A experiences uninterrupted play, reinforcing focus and perseverance.
Second Scenario: Child B takes a ball away from Child A before Child A was finished playing
When Child B takes something from Child A before Child A is finished playing, I don’t pry it out of Child B’s hands. Instead, if there’s a reaction, I’ll point out what happened: “Ah, Child A was using this and you took it from their hands, now they are crying. I don’t think they were finished playing with it.” Then, to Child A, I acknowledge what happened, “I saw that you weren’t finished playing with that. I’ll help make sure you get turn when Child B is finished.”
In this way, children learn to express their feelings and needs while acknowledging their peers’ right to continue play without interruption.
Of course, there are many, many times when children take play objects away from each other. In my play groups, I usually watch to see the first child’s reaction. For a good, long time babies don’t typically mind when objects are taken from them and the fluid exchange of objects can be a developmentally appropriate way for age-mates to interact. We often watch a baby curiously observe their peer play with the object they formerly mouthed. Note: I do intervene when an older sibling continually swipes things from a baby, even if the baby doesn’t fuss about it — I aim to invite older siblings to respect the concentration of younger siblings while acknowledging their inability to express displeasure.
Why I don’t Force Sharing
So often adults unintentionally teach that “sharing” means “to take” because they literally pry something out of their child’s hands while saying the word “share.” Parents model snatching, not sharing, when they do this.
If parents are in the habit of snatching things from their kids’ hands, children grow accustomed to immediately taking what they want and defending what they are holding. They hold on tighter, the parent gets fiercer — it’s a classic, usually avoidable, power struggle.
I know that sharing is a complicated social skill that takes time. In my observation-based classes, parents and children grow to trust each other through playing in proximity over time. Because we meet for eight weeks in a row, I can observe and adapt to patterns. If a particular child is continually taking things from other children, I will be more proactive in my selective intervention, helping that particular child (by physically being there to help with their self-regulation) to stop them from taking things from other children. Note: I would also proactively help my own child at a park and most other social situations if I knew that taking toys was a current pattern for them — I believe this is a respectful way to help a child save face.
We won’t catch everything and that’s also okay. It’s not tragic to have a toy taken from a child. We can talk about it, we can acknowledge feelings, we can help slowly build skills. Just as we can invite Child B to notice what Child A is working on, we can help point out to Child A that Child B is interested in a turn. Rather than eliminating every instance of “toy conflict,” the goal is to guide children through the socialization process, which naturally includes learning to navigate small frustrations.
Children who frequently reach out and take toys from others are often socially confident and interested in interacting. It’s essential not to label these children with negative traits like “greedy” or “impulsive,” as these early, natural behaviors are part of their development. Gradually, with gentle guidance, they’ll learn more nuanced social skills without the pressure of premature labels.
Language is powerful, and I prefer using “taking turns” instead of simply saying “share” because sharing often implies an immediacy that doesn’t honor a child’s play process. “Taking turns” is a more concrete concept for children, particularly for those in the “mine” stage, as it allows them to feel secure in their play without feeling pressured to give up an object on demand. For neutral items, I might say, “You’re using the ball” instead of “This is your ball,” emphasizing its (un)availability without implying total ownership.
While enforcing immediate “sharing” might seem like a solution, it’s usually a quick fix that doesn’t help children develop meaningful sharing skills. Taking turns, however, respects each child’s process and allows them to experience generosity and patience over time. True sharing skills evolve slowly, and it’s worth giving them the space to grow.
Final Thoughts
In conclusion, the humble ball is far more than just a toy—it’s a tool for growth, exploration, and social learning. From encouraging gross motor skills and spatial awareness to fostering social interactions and early turn-taking, balls offer a myriad of opportunities for toddlers to practice essential life skills. As caregivers, our role is to observe, guide, and support, helping children navigate the intricacies of social play without forcing premature resolutions. After all, it's through these early experiences that children learn patience, empathy, and cooperation—skills that will serve them well throughout their lives. Let's trust in their journey and be patient in helping them cultivate these valuable social and motor abilities.